往事像大海翻腾,喧嚣在我耳边

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我离家已经多年

我离家已经多年
此刻立在门前
我不敢进去,唯恐
会有陌生人出现

紧盯着我的面孔
问我为什么而来——
“我遗落一段生活
不知是否还在?”

我有几分畏惧——
我难舍那以往——
往事像大海翻腾
喧嚣在我耳旁——

我不禁吃吃发笑
我曾经历过惊恐
从来不知退缩
竟畏惧一座门洞。

我小心插回门闩
我的手指微颤
生怕门又打开
一时无处躲闪——

然后松开手指
谨慎得一丝不苟
然后捂上耳朵
像贼,喘息着逃走——

作者 / [美国] 艾米莉·狄金森,1872
翻译 / 江枫

I YEARS Had Been From Home

I YEARS had been from home,
And now, before the door,
I dared not open, lest a face
I never saw before

Stare vacant into mine
And ask my business there.
My business,—just a life I left,
Was such still dwelling there?

I fumbled at my nerve,
I scanned the windows near;
The silence like an ocean rolled,
And broke against my ear.

I laughed a wooden laugh
That I could fear a door,
Who danger and the dead had faced,
But never quaked before.

I fitted to the latch
My hand, with trembling care,
Lest back the awful door should spring,
And leave me standing there.

I moved my fingers off
As cautiously as glass,
And held my ears, and like a thief
Fled gasping from the house.

Emily Dickinson, 1872

 

看一部日本电影,男主人公出差多日,一回来打开门,桌上是一张字条,女主留下的。字条上写:

“Hi,大男孩,我走啦。说好的很多事都没能一起做,想想也真是遗憾。钥匙放在鞋柜上了。——宝宝”

男主环顾室内,女主曾经用过的东西都已不见,他拿上钥匙跑出门去,整夜在外不愿回家。

家已经没有了。

于是想起狄金森的这首诗,不太一样的是,诗中的主人公是远游归来,不敢进门,一样的是,家已经没有了。

不管离家多年,还是离家多日,当一个人成了丧家之犬,心情都是非常糟的。狄金森把这种糟糕描绘得透彻骨髓。曾经拥有的美好,当其正在手边,人不会有所察觉,甚至总是遗忘。一定要到它们突然消失,这时那些往事便如大海翻腾起来,搅攘起来,咆哮起来,它们每一件都验证着你现在的失败,而你无可辩驳,没有半点力气回应。

这样一个房间,比什么都更让人恐惧。

荐诗 / 谢韬
2017/04/23

 

 

题图 / Andrew Wyeth, Wind from the Sea

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